We're all living in age where the "totally cool thing to do" is to complain. It really doesn't matter what your complaint is, as long as you've got something to bitch about. Nomsayin?
The complaints, it seems, are endless. Whatever you do, don't watch TV. That'll get you into a whole lotta of trouble.
Strike One. You're white? Oh Lord have mercy! This is a VERY serious problem. This means that all of your ancestors once owned slaves and a lot of your relatives probably lynched people and then went dancing afterwards. You think back to when your great grandparents were still alive can't recall visiting with them and seeing anyone tying nooses, but that doesn't matter. You're guilty as charged.
Strike Two: A guy being interviewed on CNN says you owe "reparations". He feels that you should be forced to give him and each of his relatives some portion of your money and now he's complaining that Congress has been dragging their feet on the legislation. Turns out the guy is a first generation refugee from Ethiopia who overstayed his Visa. You throw your hands in the air and ask, "This guy is from Africa, isn't even a U.S.citizen and now I owe him money? How could this be possible? I'm living off Social Security."
Strike Three, Strike Four and Strike Five: Social Security? You're old = Strike Three. You're Xenophobic (for discriminating against Ethiopian immigrants) = Strike Four. You're racist (for questioning entitlements to any person of color, no matter their Country of citizenship = Strike Five.
It's not even 10 am yet and your old, white ass already has five strikes on it. You decide to click off the TV, pick up your phone, and speed-dial an old high school buddy who played with you from youth leagues on.
The phone rings once and you suddenly realize that you've almost made a huge, huge mistake. You're white; Mel is Black. You've known the man for decades, but if he's been watching cable, he HAS to know that you have at least 5 serious character flaws. You fumble with the phone in a full-blown panic and manage to end the call before Mel answers and reads you your pedigree.
Close call.
You decide to walk out to the mailbox to check to see if you've been billed for any funeral expenses for someone was shot and killed during the commission of a felony. You see your neighbor's daughter walking her pit bull and say, "How about that U.S. Women's soccer team?"
"Why in the hell would you care about a bunch of us Lesbians? You probably never even been in bed with a man and there's no way you're transgender. You probably don't even own ONE pair of high heel shoes. Go %$#@ yourself and don't ever try to talk to me again!
You think "Appalling language out of a 10 year old's mouth", but that's ...
Strike Six = Guilty of being a heterosexual. Probably one your most serious character flaws! At least her pit bull decided not to hump your leg.
You decide to check your e-mail and find a message from a Nigerian Prince who lives in Fort Myers, hit the Mega-Ball jackpot, but can't cash the ticket because he's on the run from the F.B.I.
Finally ... something of a positive nature. You dial the number.
You: "Hi. Just got your e-mail. Is this some kinda scam?"
Nigerian Prince: "No sir. This is a totally legitimate offer. The ticket is worth over $565 million."
You: "Think I saw something about that on TV. What would I have to do?"
Nigerian Prince: "I give you the ticket. You cash it. We split the money 50/50."
You: "That sounds reasonable to me. Do you want to bring the ticket over to my place?"
Nigerian Prince: "I drive for Uber and have to drop a passenger off at the Fly Lounge".
You: "Isn't that where all the late-night shootings have been taking place?
Nigerian Prince: "Why would you bring something like that up? Are you racisistic?"
You: "Do you mean 'racist' or 'narcissistic'?"
Nigerian Prince: "Racisistic is a combination of both. Listen, do you want to do this or not?"
You: "Yes, but how much deposit is required. Every Nigerian I've dealt with has needed one."
Nigerian Prince: "Only $10,000 ... but it must be in cash. Do you have that much available?"
You: "Let me check. Hang on for a sec --------------------- Sorry, I only have $271.43 in cash."
Nigerian Prince: "$271.43 will suffice. I'm driving a gray primer '84 Caprice with 4 doughnuts."
You: OK. Got it. BTW why are you on the run from the Feds?"
Nigerian Prince: "I crashed a plane into a Mosque and they think I'm a White Nationalist."
You: "Is this Wavebb?"
Voice on the other end: "Why in the hell would you care about a bunch of us Green Waves? You probably never even been to one of our games. And there's no way you work at Wendy's and there's no way you're a Buckeye. You probably don't even own ONE old galley book from Flagler or Biscayne. Go %$#@ yourself and don't ever call me again!
You: I must have dialed the wrong number again.
Strike Seven = Guilty of Misdialologism/Oldfartology
The complaints, it seems, are endless. Whatever you do, don't watch TV. That'll get you into a whole lotta of trouble.
Strike One. You're white? Oh Lord have mercy! This is a VERY serious problem. This means that all of your ancestors once owned slaves and a lot of your relatives probably lynched people and then went dancing afterwards. You think back to when your great grandparents were still alive can't recall visiting with them and seeing anyone tying nooses, but that doesn't matter. You're guilty as charged.
Strike Two: A guy being interviewed on CNN says you owe "reparations". He feels that you should be forced to give him and each of his relatives some portion of your money and now he's complaining that Congress has been dragging their feet on the legislation. Turns out the guy is a first generation refugee from Ethiopia who overstayed his Visa. You throw your hands in the air and ask, "This guy is from Africa, isn't even a U.S.citizen and now I owe him money? How could this be possible? I'm living off Social Security."
Strike Three, Strike Four and Strike Five: Social Security? You're old = Strike Three. You're Xenophobic (for discriminating against Ethiopian immigrants) = Strike Four. You're racist (for questioning entitlements to any person of color, no matter their Country of citizenship = Strike Five.
It's not even 10 am yet and your old, white ass already has five strikes on it. You decide to click off the TV, pick up your phone, and speed-dial an old high school buddy who played with you from youth leagues on.
The phone rings once and you suddenly realize that you've almost made a huge, huge mistake. You're white; Mel is Black. You've known the man for decades, but if he's been watching cable, he HAS to know that you have at least 5 serious character flaws. You fumble with the phone in a full-blown panic and manage to end the call before Mel answers and reads you your pedigree.
Close call.
You decide to walk out to the mailbox to check to see if you've been billed for any funeral expenses for someone was shot and killed during the commission of a felony. You see your neighbor's daughter walking her pit bull and say, "How about that U.S. Women's soccer team?"
"Why in the hell would you care about a bunch of us Lesbians? You probably never even been in bed with a man and there's no way you're transgender. You probably don't even own ONE pair of high heel shoes. Go %$#@ yourself and don't ever try to talk to me again!
You think "Appalling language out of a 10 year old's mouth", but that's ...
Strike Six = Guilty of being a heterosexual. Probably one your most serious character flaws! At least her pit bull decided not to hump your leg.
You decide to check your e-mail and find a message from a Nigerian Prince who lives in Fort Myers, hit the Mega-Ball jackpot, but can't cash the ticket because he's on the run from the F.B.I.
Finally ... something of a positive nature. You dial the number.
You: "Hi. Just got your e-mail. Is this some kinda scam?"
Nigerian Prince: "No sir. This is a totally legitimate offer. The ticket is worth over $565 million."
You: "Think I saw something about that on TV. What would I have to do?"
Nigerian Prince: "I give you the ticket. You cash it. We split the money 50/50."
You: "That sounds reasonable to me. Do you want to bring the ticket over to my place?"
Nigerian Prince: "I drive for Uber and have to drop a passenger off at the Fly Lounge".
You: "Isn't that where all the late-night shootings have been taking place?
Nigerian Prince: "Why would you bring something like that up? Are you racisistic?"
You: "Do you mean 'racist' or 'narcissistic'?"
Nigerian Prince: "Racisistic is a combination of both. Listen, do you want to do this or not?"
You: "Yes, but how much deposit is required. Every Nigerian I've dealt with has needed one."
Nigerian Prince: "Only $10,000 ... but it must be in cash. Do you have that much available?"
You: "Let me check. Hang on for a sec --------------------- Sorry, I only have $271.43 in cash."
Nigerian Prince: "$271.43 will suffice. I'm driving a gray primer '84 Caprice with 4 doughnuts."
You: OK. Got it. BTW why are you on the run from the Feds?"
Nigerian Prince: "I crashed a plane into a Mosque and they think I'm a White Nationalist."
You: "Is this Wavebb?"
Voice on the other end: "Why in the hell would you care about a bunch of us Green Waves? You probably never even been to one of our games. And there's no way you work at Wendy's and there's no way you're a Buckeye. You probably don't even own ONE old galley book from Flagler or Biscayne. Go %$#@ yourself and don't ever call me again!
You: I must have dialed the wrong number again.
Strike Seven = Guilty of Misdialologism/Oldfartology
